(Satire)
The Billionaire Space Race came to an end this week as Justin Hammer beat Norman Osborn and Wilson Fisk to officially be the first evil billionaire in space. The three have been locked in competition to uselessly go to space in a wasteful display of dominance, and Justin Hammer has proven himself the most useless by being the first to succeed with his Hammer Galactic Plane taking him to the edge of space.
Billionaire Tony Stark was quick to mock Hammer’s adventure, tweeting out that he “hopes Justin Hammer enjoyed making it to the kiddie pool of space.”
While other billionaires like Tony Stark and Reed Richards have been to space before, the evil billionaires in question argue that it didn't count because they did it ethically and therefore they don’t truly qualify for the Billionaire Space Race. Justin Hammer pointed out that Tony Stark “has gone to space by travelling with Thor on the bifrost. Carpooling on a rainbow that uses no resources isn’t a billionaire going to space. It’s basically communism.” In comparison, Hammer’s Galactic Plane uses enough fossil fuel to raise the temperature of the planet by three degrees.
Meanwhile Norman Osborn mocked Reed Richards for “Going to space on the taxpayer dime.”
“He did it for the government, and for science. I don’t want to make notes on a space station like some nerd, I just want to look at stuff for a minute. I have golf tomorrow. That’s why I pulled all Oscorp resources off clean energy projects and put them to work on this.”
Wilson Fisk has taken a less combative approach to their competition to get into space. In a press conference outside Fisk towers he announced, “I’m doing this to inspire people. Seeing this competition might spark the fire in a new generation to commit crimes for wealth, and once they’ve obtained that wealth to find playful ways to waste it that don’t help the general public, and preferably harms them in a way that’s technically legal.”
Meanwhile, federal offices claim that there is no money for public funded space exploration due to the recent round of corporate tax cuts, which the federal government assures us will trickle down despite that money being literally launched so far up it’s in space now. But the tax paying public can still get in on the space race, anyone has the option of buying a ticket on Hammer’s rocket even if they’re a lowly millionaire.
Politically active billionaire and king of the seas Namor said of the space race, “For every idiot pissing contest they participate in, the Earth gets a little warmer. Which is a real mixed bag. I don’t love the warmer seas, but I do like the idea of ruling submerged coastal cities due to the rising sea levels. Underwater New York would be lovely this time of year.”
MORE YOU MIGHT LIKE
Comments