Fast and Furious Should Add Dinosaurs Because Fuck It That’s Why

By Andrew Ivimey

Opinion

This past week rumors were swirling that the future of the Fast and Furious franchise may crossover with Jurassic Park at some point down the road. These rumors were wild and unsubstantiated (and basically boiled down to several creatives just saying “We could do anything”) but they were also fun rumors. Rumors that got me cracking open a Corona and thinking, “Yeah, why the fuck not dinosaurs? Family!”


Why not combine the Fast and the Furious with Jurassic Park? Is there really someone out there who can argue, “No, the 10th fast car movie adding dinosaurs would ruin the integrity of the fast car movies.” Ten fast car movies is a lot and personally I’d rather a franchise get weird and alienate the audience than get safe and bore us.

And I shouldn’t have to remind you, but the FF series is already completely insane without dinosaurs. FF is a non-linear franchise (4, 5, and 6 are prequels to 3) that has gone from stealing DVD/VCR combo players, to bank heists, to multiple character resurrections, to fighting a submarine, and going to space. The spinoff movie Hobbs & Shaw had them fighting a Captain America-esque super soldier played by Idris Elba. Would dinosaurs really be such a stretch? Really???


And what is the FF series about at its heart? Fast things and family. So have Dom and company race a family of raptors to a volcano or something. Done! We just made a Fast and Furious movie.


“But what if they lose money? WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE MONEY!?” you’re screaming at me now because you work for Universal Pictures or are a cop or something. I can understand that Jurassic Park is a licence to print money for Universal and they may not want to rock that boat, but here’s another great thing, it doesn’t need to be the Jurassic Park dinosaurs. Believe it or not the Jurassic Park franchise didn’t invent dinosaurs, so Fast and Furious could use any generic off brand dinosaurs they wanted. They could even name them after cars or something. I personally would pay good money to see Vin Diesel driving a Ford Raptor (a real car) racing Tyrese who’s riding a Ferrarisaurus (A Ferrari and T-Rex genetic hybrid I made up) while Tyrese yells “Woo! I gotta get me one of these!”

Artist's Rendering

Or perhaps Universal is worried about jumping the shark and losing money on the Fast and Furious movies because they make bank right now. But that’s not going to last forever. There’s only so many times people want to see tank tops, coronas and fast cars unless you add something new, and the FF series is quickly running out of grounded but epic things to put in their movies. The Fast and Furious movies have to take a cue from the only other media that has their staying power - they have to be like video games! Video game franchises like Resident Evil have reinvented themselves a dozen times having gone from “I have a knife and 2 bullets, I’m scared of zombie people” grounded horror fantasy to “I just roundhouse kicked a 500 foot crocodile, I could shoot god” power fantasy.


More franchises need to make these kinds of bold swings. If you remember the big Sony email hack of 2014 it revealed they were working on a third installment of the Jump Street movies, 23 Jump Street, which would see the main characters crossover with Men In Black, which sounded awesome, but it never happened. Sony didn’t want to risk two franchises with a risky crossover. Instead they played it safe and rebooted MIB with MIB International, which flopped, and let the Jump Street movies fizzle out. In an effort to have everything they have nothing now. No Jump Street franchise, no MIB franchise, no fun.

So let’s have fuuuuuuuun! Please Fast and Furious, have fun. Crossover with other Universal property Jurassic Park and race dinosaurs. Live a little!


But then we reach the same problem of where does the franchise go from there that’s even bigger? Well, I have a pitch. Because you know what else Universal owns?


EXT. STREET - NIGHT


DOMINIC TORETTO is revving his engine at the starting line of a street race. The other racer is [Famous musician who is available]


FAMOUS MUSICIAN

Hope you're ready to lose Dom! I'm *insert wink nudge reference to musician’s song* and I never lose.


DOM

That's your problem. Always spinning your wheels, you've lost your grip.


DOM takes a huge lead off the starting line. As Dom looks back the once clear strip of road in front of him erupts with a clash of light and fire, another car appears out of nowhere coming right at him. Dom swerves at the last minute, crashing. The mystery driver pulls alongside him as Dom sees [famous musician that’s available] speed past.


DOM

(exiting his wrecked car)

You just cost me the race. The road is everything!


The mystery driver appears to be driving the same car as Dom's. But it looks modified, wires and cables across the body. The mystery driver steps out, wearing a full Hazmat suit and removes the helmet revealing...


MARTY MCFLY

Dom, where we're going we don't need roads.


BACK TO THE FUTURE THEME PLAYS. TITLE CARD


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