Marvel Greenlights Fantastic Four Movie Just To Feel Something Again

By Diana McCallum

(Satire)

Marvel Studios have had so many successful films that people have wondered if it’s even possible for the studio to have a box office flop. Today we learned that Marvel has been wondering that exact same thing and decided to dare god to stop them.


“We want to see if we really are truly incapable of failing,” said President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige at today’s press conference. “So we’ve decided to take on the biggest challenge of our time and make the unmakeable – a critically and financially successful Fantastic Four film.”


It’s a Herculean feat that Marvel looks to accomplish as literally nothing involving the Fantastic Four has ever worked or been successful.


Feige himself noted that, “The three live-action movies all did pretty poorly, and no one liked the cartoon show with the robot, or the cartoon show without the robot. Frankly, I don’t even know if anyone likes the comics. As a whole this franchise seems to have no real fan base. Our accountants even sent me a memo that said “it is fiscally irresponsible to invest in this property” but we’re going to plug millions of dollars into it anyway because we’re Marvel and I need to know if that genie wish I made for everlasting success was actually real.”

After listing the many failures of the Fantastic Four in the past, Feige took a silent introspective moment then looked reporters in the eye stoically.


“If I can make this work then I have truly become the god among men that I was prophesied to be,” he said as his eyes began to glow and the room trembled.


It’s a bold strategy but Feige seems confident the gamble will pay off and that he will indeed become some sort of god.


Drunk off his own power Feige also announced that he is building a new writer/director from scratch specifically for this project.


“We’ve taken DNA samples from four fantastic directors, James Gunn, Taika Waititi, Ryan Coogler and Patty Jenkins to create a super director/writer capable of doing the impossible and making a good Fantastic Four film, and this is just the first step in growing creative teams. We’re hoping to develop a director with actual mutant abilities to direct X-Men, but I’m getting ahead of myself.”


Feige was also able to give some vague details about the movie’s plot.


“The Fantastic Four are all about space so the story is about flying too close to the sun. The Fantastic Four that is, not me. I can fly as close to the sun as I want, god couldn’t stop me. I can never die because death would be a form of failure.”

The newly immortal Marvel President also said that in terms of casting they had no one lined up yet but were currently taking bids for the role of Johnny Storm.


“Johnny Storm has a rich history of propelling the actors who play him to absolute stardom, just look at Chris Evans and Michael B. Jordan, so instead of auditioning actors we’re having them pay us for the chance to play the role. It’s all part of our new finance system. Some billionaire’s kid will want to be Johnny Storm so bad that we can pay for the whole movie, thus guaranteeing it can’t bomb at the box office,” Feige told reporters smugly. He then texted the “this is how I win” Adam Sandler meme to all journalists in attendance.


When asked if Feige had actually seen Uncut Gems he said, “No. But I assume he wins in the end. I think I know a little something about stories with gems, thank you very much” before strapping on his Falcon wings and ascending straight up into the air.


Fantastic Four is currently scheduled to be the only movie released in all of 2024 so you have to go see it.


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