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Apocalypse Survivors Would LITERALLY Rather Die Than Ride A Bicycle

By Andrew Ivimey

An apocalypse is all about survival of the fittest. The greatest people alive are the ones who survive the zombies/vampires/aliens/kaiju/cannibals/ants/dragon attack that wipes out the rest of us. They’re the best of the best. Humanity’s only hope. The cool people. And yet no one who makes it to the end of the world can figure out how to get around the damn place!

The moment the world ends people try to drive cars down roads that are at best a hot mess, and at worst a kill zone for monsters to stomp you or aliens to blow you up. Or survivors try to ride horses, or drive a motorcycle that is the loudest thing left on the entire planet. All terrible ideas! So what’s a person to do to get around at the end of the world? I’ll tell you - BICYCLES!

Seriously, how does everyone forget that bicycles exist the second people start dying? I get that there’s a lot going on but come on. They’re small, light, easy to repair, quiet, require no gas, and it’s only fuel is you. It’s as perfect as it is forgotten because everyone trying to survive the end of the world is too cool to jump on a Schwinn to save their own life.

This man would rather be dead than let this photo be real

Let’s discuss all the terrible modes of transportation that survivors are using instead of riding a bike.

In The Last of Us Part 2 we see that Ellie, along with a plethora of other survivors, has taken to riding horses to get around. And hey, I get it, horses provide a few similar advantages to bicycles - you can get around obstacles, go offroad, and its fuel is food. But to even consider this as a transportation option you have to catch a horse, then break and train the horse, then build stables to house it, learn basic blacksmithing to make horseshoes, produce food for it, and learn light veterinary practices. Even if your camp has a veterinarian, that vet has been promoted to human doctor (sorry horses), they’ve got no time to look at you.

But say you already have a horse, then I’ll give you a pass on riding one around in the apocalypse. It’s soothing to have a partner with you, a horse to name, and love, and be emotionally destroyed by once they inevitably die tragically! Let’s be real, that THING IS GOING TO DIE. Horses are just like bicycles if bicycles were scared and delicious which is not a good combo. It’ll be eaten by zombies, or stolen by other survivors or it’ll break a leg and you’ll have to kill it, leaving you to carry your own baggage, both physical and emotional, all by yourself. There’s no way that’s easier than circles with a seat.

File photo of Ellie ignoring a fully stocked bike shop (Not pictured: recently dead horse)

Now let’s talk motorcycles! Daryl Dixon has been wandering the wasteland of The Walking Dead for the better part of a decade on his trusty motorcycle, a vehicle with two wheels! He’s so close to getting it. Two wheels have so many advantages, less gas than a car, good for some off road conditions, and small enough to navigate around abandoned cars on the roads. You know what else it’s good for? Letting everything that’s trying to kill you know exactly where you are.

I’ve seen Daryl’s bike attract zombie hordes by the thousands. It’s so loud! And I get it, that bike would have required some makeshift repairs over the years of fighting zombies. The exhaust on that bike is for sure made of old coke cans and just held together by dreams. So just get a bicycle Daryl, it’s the same thing but quiet and stealthy. Plus, you already have a crossbow which, let’s face it, is the bicycle of guns.

So bicycles have trumped horses and motorcycles. Guess what else they’re better than? Driving in a car and burning gas like it will never run out like in Mad Max Fury Road. This is a world where they just go nuts doing donuts in a dump truck in the desert even though the most valuable resource is now gas. Gas destroyed the world by people fighting wars over it, and I think caused global warming? (Mad Max is a little fuzzy on details) So this society is going to enjoy it while it lasts! You’ve got to spend oil to make oil. Except no, you don’t, and if gas is so valuable why are we shooting it out of guitars? Yes it does look absolutely bitchin’ but come on that can not be carbon neutral. Seriously get a bicycle guys, I know it’s hard to strap a guy on the front of a bicycle but you’ll find a way.

At least TRY an electric car. Come on!

So Ellie, Daryl, Max, all these idiots refused to use a bicycle in the apocalypse despite the obvious advantages. But there is one man in cinema who gets it. One man who understands the brilliance of bikes at the end of the world. Do you know who gets it? Jeff Goldblum gets it!

It’s Independence Day. Aliens invade. Ships are in the sky. People are panicking. New York attempts to evacuate. But the roads are gridlock. Neither car, nor motorcycle, nor horse is going anywhere in this traffic. And what does Jeff Goldblum do? Jeff Goldblum drives his bicycle right past all of them like a goddamn boss!

This Nerd Boss is Going Places!

And then what does Jeff Goldblum do? He saves the entire planet! All because he rode a bicycle. He didn’t care if it looked cool, or if his nerdy little sweater got caught in the spokes. He had a planet to save. So when the apocalypse comes just remember the same thing you should remember every damn day - be like Jeff Goldblum.

Oh, and get a bicycle.



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