The Rock prepares for role of Black Adam by developing seven mythical super powers

By Kyle Hickey

(Satire)


On Instagram this week Dwayne Johnson shared the intense work he's currently undertaking to play the titular role in his upcoming movie, Black Adam. It was no surprise to his Insta followers that the former WWE champion was hitting the gym intensely but what did surprise fans was seeing that the Rock’s workout involved grabbing an exposed electrical wire with the caption “Building up an immunity to electricity for Black Adam! #BeastMode.”

Sources close to The Rock have reported that the Fast and Furious star is taking a more method acting approach with this character and has committed to developing all seven mythical powers of Black Adam, despite being repeatedly told that he can in no way do that according to the laws of physics.


In order to fully immerse himself in the role The Rock has packed up and moved from his home in Miami, Florida to a remote location in Egypt.



A close family friend told journalists, “He was just gone one day. All he left was a note saying 'Hey jabronies, I'm going to Kahndaq to get super powers. If ya smeeeelllllll, what The Black Adam is cookin!' His family was pretty confused. Especially since it's 'Black Adam', not 'The Black Adam', but we he struggles with putting 'The' at the beginning of names. He called his neighbor 'The Lorraine' for the first 5 months he knew her. Her name is actually Carla but it’s way too late to tell him that now.”


His family has every right to be confused by the Rock claiming to have moved to “Kahndaq” for training though as Kahndaq is a fictional territory from DC Comics that can't be found on any map without the help of crayons. This fact however did not stop the Rock from planting a homemade flag in a small Egyptian town.

“He called a town meeting immediately,” a towns person explained to the press. “He told us he would be using the stamina of Shu and would no longer be eating, sleeping or breathing while he’s here, so if we saw him trying to buy food we should stop him. When we questioned how he planned on not breathing, he held his breath until he passed out and hit his head on a gate post. He woke up 8 minutes later and has been convinced he hasn't taken a breath since.”

Another local barely held back tears as they told us,“I saw [the Rock] try and buy something to eat and I said 'but you told us not to let you' and then he threw me to the ground and did what is apparently called 'The Black Adam's Elbow'. Everyone laughed, but I was hurt. He ate the food quickly and told me he was eating with the swiftness of Heru, which is so fast Shu won’t even know about it. I don’t know what any of that means but I need to see a doctor immediately.”

A magician working in Cairo also claims to have had a run in with Mr. Johnson at one of his shows.


“He came on stage in the middle of my act and demanded I try to perform a trick on him because he's now immune to magic. He said something about the power of Aton...” the magician said through trembling breaths. “I did one card trick and then he broke both my hands and told me to try it again! NOW I CAN'T EVEN DO THE 'NAPKIN-STRING OUT OF MY MOUTH' BIT!”


We reached out to The Rock's representatives for a response to these allegations but they replied to us in a language Mr. Johnson created in an attempt to exhibit the wisdom of Zehuti. After all this there’s no telling how far the newest member of the DCEU will go to get into the role of Black Adam. At the time of publication Daniel Day Lewis reached out to advise that, “I invented method acting and even I think he needs to chill the hell out.”

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