Brave White Guy Willing To Waltz In And Take Top Job At Company He Didn’t Help Build

By Diana McCallum

(Satire)

The world has been wondering who will become the next leader of the Avengers since the passing of Tony Stark and disappearance of Steve Rogers. We can now report that Eternals team member Ikaris would like to be considered, despite never having met the Avengers, and having no job experience.


Ikaris (not even the leader of the team he’s currently on) assured reporters that he was fully capable of leading this A-list team of heroes that he has completely ignored for over a decade.


“Yes, The Avengers may not know who I am. And yes I haven’t been in a battle for thousands of years. And yes, I have no experience at the job in question. Some will say I’m unqualified, and I am, but I’m also very privileged, and from what I understand that combo is called a disrupter. I bring a fresh perspective and that has value… right?”

Critics of Ikaris have drawn attention to the fact that he did absolutely nothing to stop The Chitauri invasion, Ultron, Thanos, and many other global incidents; despite being powerful and immortal he simply watched it all happen from a safe distance. But Ikaris insists that he never tried to help because he’s simply “too good” at any job.


“If I got involved it’d be boring because I’d be so good at it. For example that Ultron thing, if I was team leader I just wouldn’t have created him. Done. If I was in the position of Steve and Tony there’d be no Civil War because I’d be one person, why would I break up with myself? I’m great. As for Thanos, I’d simply not let him get all those good stones.”


When asked for any detail as to how he would have stopped Thanos from getting the stones Ikaris simply changed the subject.


“I’m an observer, which is one of the toughest jobs in the universe. I see all the bad stuff and think about how if I were in their position I simply would have done a better job than them. I’ve been trying to tell the public that but my twitter account has been locked multiple times.”

Reporters also questioned what made Ikaris more qualified than experienced Avengers and current team members such as War Machine, Captain Marvel, Dr. Strange, or Sam Wilson.


Sam Wilson, formerly known as Falcon, recently stated to the press that he is “The new Captain America.” When asked for comment on the possibility of Ikaris becoming the new leader of the Avengers, Sam Wilson said, “Did I fucking stutter?”



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