Wolverine Doesn’t Understand Why Vaccine Made From His Blood Taking So Long (Bub)

By Diana McCallum

(Satire)

As we stretch into the tenth month of the pandemic, the FDA has still not approved a vaccine for the coronavirus, and no one is more frustrated than the mutant whose blood was used to develop the vaccine, Wolverine.


“This usually takes a few hours, tops,” Wolverine said to the press, “Beast made a cure for the legacy virus from my antibodies in like a day. Sometimes people time travel to me to get a cure for diseases that don’t even exist yet. I’ve cured stuff before it’s even happened. What’s taking so long!”

Artist Rendering of Wolverine Infected With Something Gross

Essex Corp is the leading manufacturer of the vaccine. Speaking to the press this week owner Nathaniel Essex responded to public concerns that his Sinister business practices may be to blame for the delay.


“I assure you all, Essex Corp followed precise medical guidelines to develop this vaccine; we immediately infected Wolverine against his will, brought him to the brink of death, let his healing factor save him, then took the antibodies from his blood. Standard operating procedures. All our staff is focused on using his blood to create a cure and we’re not using it to try to clone Wolverine despite what anyone might say otherwise,” Essex said to press and then started laughing softly to himself, then slowly ramped it up into a bigger laugh.


Even if the vaccine were available today many in the public are hesitant to take it due to uncertainty around its development. The vaccine patent submission states the antibodies were taken from a man named simply ‘Logan’ who is from ‘Canada’, whose age is listed as ‘Old Man’ and whose profession is ‘Lumberjack/Drifter”. Obviously this is cause for concern as people are already worried about what goes into these vaccines. Essex Corp has a duty to find out more about the mutant who donated the antibodies, specifically things like why his hair grows like that. It’s weird and people are going to freak out if their hair suddenly starts sprouting up into two spikes like a … a kind of reverse mohawk I guess? But there’s two, maybe a dualhawk? Is that what that style is?

The FDA has stated they would feel more comfortable approving the vaccine if they could examine a clean sample of Wolverine’s blood, unfortunately this would require the mutant to be sober for at least a day, to which Wolverine responded, “Not happening, bub” then cut the top off a beer with one of his claws, which looked really cool but made it difficult to actually drink. The hole was too big for a mouth and poured all over his shirt. You could tell it was not what he wanted no matter how casual Wolverine tried to look about it.


Wolverine’s final comments to the press were a heartfelt plea for everyone to keep safe.


“Until the vaccine is approved you all need to do what I do, stay away from people and wear a mask like the X-Men! Actually, wear a mask like Spider-man. Now that I think about it we don’t really wear masks in the X-Men. Why do we use code names but not wear masks? People hunt us! We have enemies. I gotta go talk to Chuck, we’re done here.”


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The From Superheroes Network was created by internet comedian Diana McCallum and stand-up comedian Andrew Ivimey.


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