PETA Protests Dune Over Sandworm Mistreatment

By Hisham Kelati

(Satire)

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment for Animals) has submitted papers in California state court, suing Warner Bros. to stop production of their new film Dune, citing the “grave, inhumane, holocaust-level animal cruelty” being inflicted by production on sandworms.

During a live, 4-hour stream on the official PETA YouTube channel, PETA President Irwin Newkirk called the campaign to save the sandworms “the most paramount animal protection cause” in history, saying “almost overnight these gentle creatures went from a peaceful existence making spice in the desert to being corralled by the hundreds by Warner Bros. for a movie!”

Newkirk cited worm-riding as the gravest issue, noting the practice required the rider to use large metal hooks to pull apart the worm’s scales in order to move them around.

“We have footage of lead actor, Timothée Chalamet,” screamed Newkirk during hour 2 of the live stream, “using these hooks on the sandworms - it’s barbaric!”

When asked to respond to these allegations Chalamet was shocked that someone had genuinely referred to him as “barbaric”.

“Most people call me soft porcelain,” Chalamet said in a very soft-porcelain way. “The idea that I have the ability to be barbaric it’s hilarious. I got beat up by a kitten yesterday.”

PETA VP of Public Relations Chett Monroe led the Q&A during the last 30 minutes of the live stream, after Newkirk refused to answer questions about PETA’s recently failed Twitter campaign. Monroe reiterated PETA’s previous public statement about their choosing #dontridetheworm as their hashtag.

“The issue at hand is millionaire actors violating these defenceless worms by violently riding them without their consent,” explained Monroe, “We don’t want them riding the worm, so the hashtag was just that: don’t ride the worm. It is not and never was an indictment of men who have micro-penises!”

During a follow-up phone interview, Monroe explained that they had tried to reach out to the Arrakis government multiple times for help on their new campaign “Save the Sandworms from Arrakis from Being Abused” but confirmed they hadn’t heard anything back. Warner Bros. claims this is due to it being a fictional place but PETA’s Monroe insisted, “They’re obviously getting paid off by Warner Bros. so they don’t care! But you know who will care, the United Nations!”

When reached for a quote, Dune director Denis Villeneuve emailed a brief statement, saying “They know this isn’t real right? I honestly can’t believe any of this is happening. This is a movie, based off of a sci-fi book. IT’S. NOT. REAL. Getting mad about this would be akin to getting mad at Game of Thrones’ treatment of dragons.”

When asked about Villeneuve’s statement on sandworms not being real, Newkirk answered that, “The sandworms are real! Their lives are real to us. All animal lives matter, whether they’re fiction or nonfiction! Also, we’re pissed about Game Of Thrones' treatment of dragons too. No dragon should be forced to participate in such terrible writing.”