By Jimmy Olsen (and Kyle Hickey) (Satire)
It was a little after 5pm on a Tuesday, I was getting ready to wrap up at the Daily Planet wondering if I’d see my pal Superman tonight, when my phone buzzed with an email I will never forget.
“5pm, the docks, come alone. - D. Stroke”
I have to admit my heart fluttered a bit when I received this, and not just from the PTSD caused by being kidnapped and held at the docks multiple times in my life. It was because this was the scoop I’d been chasing for a long time, one that Perry White told me I’d never get. He said I should “stick to photos” and “Lois does the writing Jimmy” and “get out of my house it’s 2am.” But it was finally happening for your pal Jimmy Olson. It had taken me months to track down Deathstroke but after a little digging and some heavy flirting with an elderly librarian, I got the email address of library card holder Slade Wilson and a whole lot more information I didn’t really need like the fact that he washes his eye patch in the library fountain and his copy of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Villains is past due.
I arrived at the docks early to make sure I set up my phone recorder and to check out the spot to see if any other evil do-er's were using the docks that night. At one point I thought I saw Sinestro but it turned out to be a moustached dock worker with jaundice wearing a high-vis vest. Then, there he was. Standing in the shadows was a man I have watched take on some of my favourite superheroes from Batman to Beast Boy. None other than Deathstroke.
Jimmy Olsen: Thank you for meeting me Mr. Stroke. Why did you decide to meet at the docks?
Deathstroke: My old hideout is currently MIA because of Batman's... um... 8 year old son... beating me up and giving my hideout back to the city. I know it sounds bad when you say it out loud, but that little SOB is sneaky. It's like trying to swat a hummingbird out of mid-air, which was actually an old League of Shadows training drill. Personally I think they stole it from Rocky, you know, when Rocky chased the chicken around? Leave it to that hack, Ra's Al Ghul to steal from another hack like Sylvester Stallone. Stallone actually stole The Expendables from me. It used to be an anecdote I'd tell at parties, and that slack jawed dummy stole it.
J: You seem really mad. Where would you say that is stemming from, if you don't mind me asking?
D: If you were putting in the time and the effort I've been doing and getting the little amount of respect I've been getting, you'd be upset too. I’ve been living here at the docks since I was released from Lex Luthor’s boat a few years ago. That bald bastard calls me, says that this will be my shot at Superman, at the big leagues. He invites me to his yacht, says we’re going to start an Injustice League, then he doesn’t do anything! We just boat around for a while until everyone forgets about us. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice yacht and it was a lovely tour, his boat hands are world class, but this was my shot at the big leagues and it’s pissed away by that Michael Cera-with-alopecia looking asshole.
J: And you feel like you deserve better?
D: Damn right! I fought Arrow FOR YEARS and was the best part of his story, then I crossed over to fight Flash, hell I'm pretty sure I even fought Captain Cold on a horse in that time travelin one! I worked my way up the ranks, then I finally get my shot at the Man of Steel and Wonder Woman and what happens? I take a 6 hour boat ride with Lex Luthor just so I can stand there and look pretty. And while I’m trapped in Lex Luthor purgatory apparently Gotham decides to reboot The Batman with a bunch of villains who aren’t me! Every name is put out there except mine. So why the hell did I get on that boat then!? To catch tuna with a katana!?
J: You're saying you’re an A-List villain, but you're getting the B-Grade treatment.
D: Exactly. Even Captain Boomerang got to yuk it up on the Suicide Squad. Captain Boomerang! And where was I? Stick fighting on some god forsaken island with Oliver Queen. You ever stick fight with homemade batons? They leave splinters! My hands are ruined!
Personally I blame Deadpool. The guy stole my whole shtick! The mask, the katanas, all the guns. His frickin' name is Wade Wilson..... my name is Slade Wilson... He’s a parody of me and he’s more popular than me! WHAT THE HELL? When has that ever happened?
J: Weird Al songs.
D: Okay, but that’s the only time!
J: You just had a great year fighting the Titans though. Does that not make you happy at all?
D: When you've fought as many Robin's as I have they all sort of start to blend together. I admit I had a good time working with the pouty one, but I would have enjoyed it more if I disembowelled him. It was also nice working with my daughter, Rose, but now I have to watch her career skyrocket past mine while she gets her own movie franchise and toy line. Meanwhile the straight, one eyed male is forgotten again.
J: What do you think the future has in store for you?
D: I’d like to tell you I’ll be fighting Batman or Superman, Wonder Woman or The Flash, hell I’d even take Aquaman at this point (none of us villains saw him becoming popular) but unfortunately I think I’m going to have to lay low for a while, I’ve made some poor investments of my time lately and put a lot of work into unappreciated moments. I’ll probably take some me time to do inventory of my life, maybe read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Villains. I’ve been meaning to do that for a while.
J: That’s past due by the way.
D: God Dammit.