DC Announces New Director For The Snyder Cut

By Diana McCallum

(Satire)

Justice League fans were thrown into a frenzy this week when news leaked of a possible announcement regarding 2017’s Justice League movie. We now have official word from Warner Bros that the Snyder Cut of Justice League will indeed be released, with a new director at the helm.

“We know a lot of folks are very passionate about the Snyder Cut,” said Walter Hamada, president of DC Films. “We’ve seen your billboards and your hashtags and heard you shouting at my windows late at night for the last three years, so we’re very excited to finally bring you Zack Snyder’s vision for Justice League as presented by someone new with slight reshoots and major edits.”

DC did not announce just who the new director will be to relaunch the gritty Snyder Cut but Hamada hinted at several possibilities.

“We understand that fans want Zack’s creative vision of this film but we also know they love what Joss Whedon did. We might ask him to do that again, but obviously not in a way that changes Zack’s vision,” Hamada said while winking, “Or Taika Waititi, he’s so funny, he’d make it really funny. I bet he could do some really interesting things with the Snyder Cut.”

Justice League Producer Geoff Johns has other ideas though.

“I’d like to give it to Kathleen Kennedy,” said Johns. “I know she’s the President of Lucas Films, also that she’s a producer and not a director, but hardcore fans just love her energy and vision. I can’t imagine there’s much of a cross section between the people online demanding to see Zack’s vision and the people who blame everything bad on Kathleen Kennedy. Venn diagrams can’t just be circles right?”

When asked why they were even bringing in a new director for the Snyder Cut, Hamada pointed out that replacing directors is a longstanding cultural tradition on DC Films.

“We had the guy playing Batman on the hook to direct a Batman movie and we replaced Batman on Batman to both direct or play Batman. We’re completely nuts! I’ve lost track of how many directors I’ve fired from The Flash. Maybe 13? I’ve got a reminder in my calendar to fire the current guy every four months. I think someone named Andy currently thinks he’s directing The Flash but I’ll fire him as soon as I line someone else up to direct it. Jordan Peele is a pretty hot director right now, I’d love to get him attached to something like Justice League Dark because I think he’d be very rewarding to fire.”

We spoke to one die hard fan who asked to remain anonymous, even though he’s been tweeting #ReleaseTheSnyderCut daily for three years, who said, “If they give us a watered down version of Zack’s vision I’m going to be so mad, but also a little relieved. If they gave us the ACTUAL Snyder Cut I’d have to watch it and face the reality that maybe it’s not perfect. I’d have to wonder if the perfect movie can only exist in our minds and not in reality, and that maybe I just like having someone to blame for non-perfection? I don’t want to think about that so thank god they’re giving it to another director. This hate will give me purpose for years to come.”

Justice League: The Snyder Cut: Another Director’s Cut is scheduled for release July, 2020.