Batman Tests Positive For Covid Despite Claiming To Have Been Self-Isolating His Entire Life

By Diana McCallum

(Satire)

Gotham was shook today when Batman confirmed he had tested positive for Covid-19. The news came as a surprise to many residents as Batman had promised them on several occasions that he “works alone” is the “sole protector of Gotham” and is “always alone, just so alone” making it unclear how he contracted the virus in the first place. Conspiracy theorists online are claiming that being a bat made him more susceptible, while most scientists say that bats are not actually where the virus originated, and are also skeptical that Batman is a bat at all. Batman has also claimed to be “the night” and “vengeance”, which is scary because those are of course concepts and could mean that ideas themselves are now susceptible to the virus.


When asked how he believes he contracted Covid, Batman insists it was the work of one of Gotham’s villains.


“Joker and Scarecrow both use chemical agents and could have schemed to infect me. I heard Black Adam has also tested positive so he could have given it to me via magic in some way.”


One reporter asked if Robin could have caught it at school. Batman could not comment on this as he had no idea if Robin even went to school.


“There are, what … four Robins now? They could be going to any school. I let them live with me but I always keep a safe distance from them, both physically and emotionally. We’re not big huggers.”


This statement at least appears to be true as the Robin in attendance (his son?) nodded sadly in agreement.

Commissioner Gordon agreed that Batman definitely stays away from people.


“There’s no way Batman was around anyone lately. He keeps all his social interactions to a minimum and at a distance. I only see him in open environments, mostly rooftops, and he stays far away in the shadows then leaves without saying goodbye or even looking at me.”


Mayor Cobblepot, who has been critical of Batman even pre-Covid, thinks Batman has been breaking social distancing and social bubble guidelines.


“He’s a hypocrite! He says he’s alone, so alone. But what about the Justice League? Or that Bat-family he has, Catwoman, The League Of Assassins, Justice League Dark, The Outsiders, Batman Incorporated, the list goes on. For a man who claims to be a loner he’s part of at least 6 different large international bubbles.”


We may never know how Batman became infected but for now he is asking all criminals that he has punched or yelled at lately to self-isolate. Since this announcement there has been a significant drop in criminal activity in the city. The notable exception being Mr. Freeze who, while robbing scientific equipment from Wayne Enterprises, claimed his little dome helmet keeps him safe.

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