Illuminati Members Really Wish This Meeting Had Been An Email

By Diana McCallum

(Satire)




Spoilers for Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness







Baron Mordo spoke to the press today following the massacre of the Illuminati by the one known as Scarlet Witch. Mordo is the only known survivor, which he claims is because of his mystic powers, denying reports that he was simply stuck in a crevice and missed the whole thing.


Investigators are trying to piece together how it’s possible that the earth’s mightiest heroes were killed, and how so many adults over 30 could get together in the same room on such short notice. Some wonder why the meeting didn’t happen over Zoom or email.


Sources say that Black Bolt has long pushed for more meetings to be emails so he can go on lengthy tirades more easily, making it especially tragic that he died while speaking for the first time in years. Meanwhile Captain Marvel and Captain Carter have both been known to push for meeting in person as they’re not great with technology but it turns out they’re even worse at stopping a witch from killing them.


Mordo says in-person meetings were also insisted on by Professor X, “because he’s a little creep who likes to read your mind and say your idea before you in a meeting to look smart.”

Some critics have questioned why the Illuminati had a detailed plan to capture and subdue any Dr. Strange that showed up from another universe, but no strategy to deal with the infinitely more powerful Scarlet Witch.


“It definitely wasn’t sexism!” said Mordo in the exact same tone he used earlier when talking about how he wasn’t stuck in a hole. “We actually had a meeting planned on how to deal with the Scarlet Witch but it got pushed back for a pizza party. We definitely would have had one eventually though if we hadn’t all just been slaughtered horrendously.”


Well, maybe in another universe.


 

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